I’m Going to Get a Little Personal Here

Posted by on Sep 14, 2015

This post is not about a deal. It’s not a giveaway or frugal living tip. Instead it’s a post about me. I have felt for a while that I should share more of my story on this blog, but I have felt hesitant and afraid. I can’t tell you exactly why I have those feelings, but I do. I’ve had to fight them down and try to put feelings into words to get this post done. So here is the first installment about me, Jacki.

When I was 16 I was mostly a good kid. But I also made a few mistakes. The biggest one being that I chose to do some things that I wasn’t really mature enough to do. And that choice ended in me being 16 and pregnant. It was a hard time in my life. I was a junior in high school and my boyfriend and I broke up right before we found out I was pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with me or our baby, but I still had to see him every day at school. After much heartache, debate, and soul searching I made the decision to place my son for adoption.  I have never regretted my decision, but that doesn’t mean it was easy. It was incredibly hard.

About the time I placed my son for adoption (15 years ago) I wrote the story below. Thanks for letting me share. If you’d like to comment please be kind.

“Tell me again. “ The little boy whispered.

“Again?” His mother asked, wondering how he never tired of this story. He snuggled deeper into his blankets and looked up expectantly. “Once upon a time, “ she started. “There was a very beautiful and talented young woman. She was a good person and she loved her family very much. But as she got older she made a few mistakes. And she soon found that she was pregnant.”

“That means she had a baby in her tummy, right?” The little boy asked, knowing the answer.

“Right.” Said his mother. “She had a baby in her tummy. But she wasn’t married to the baby’s father. And she was still in high school so she didn’t know what to do. She told her family and they were all very nice to her. Her mom took her to the doctor and to a lady who could help her decide what to do with the baby.”

“She’s called a counts-all-her, isn’t she?”

“A counselor, yes. Well, the counselor helped the young woman decide to let someone else raise her baby. That’s called adoption. So she looked at pictures and read letters until she found the family she thought should raise her baby.”

“That was you and daddy.” The little boy said matter of factly.

“Yes.” His mother answered as tears fell down her cheeks. “And that’s why you’re my little boy.” She stopped, ready to go to bed; as this was where the story usually ended. But the little boy had more to say tonight.

“Are you happy I’m your little boy?”

“Extremely happy.” She answered, surprised.

“Then why are you crying?”

She paused for a moment wondering how much he could understand. “There are a lot of reasons I’m crying. One is because I’m so happy you’re my little boy. I’m happy that I get to kiss you goodnight. And hold you when you cry. I’m happy I get to see your smiling face every day and to hear your wonderful laughter. But I’m also sad. Because your birth mommy doesn’t get to do or hear all those things. Because I know she loves you just as much as I do.”

“Mommy,” he said very quietly. She knew by the look on his face something was troubling him. She also knew this would be a new question, one she hadn’t answered before. “Didn’t she want me?” He whispered. “Didn’t my birth mommy want to keep me with her?”

His mother tried to breathe as the tears cascaded down her cheeks. “Oh baby,” She whispered and pulled him into her arms. “She wanted you so much. She wanted to hold you every day just like I’m holding you now. But she loved you too much. She didn’t think she would be a good enough mother for you. Not then. She was too young. She wanted you to have more. So she gave you to me and daddy. Because she wanted you to be happy. And she wasn’t sure if she could make you happy. But most of all,” she hugged him tighter. “She loved you way more than she loved herself.”

She laid the little boy back on his bed and kissed his forehead. “I love you.” She said

“I love you, too.” He told her. “And I love my birth mommy too. Because she loved me so much she gave me to you.”

His mother wiped at her tears, turned off the light, and shut the door.

Somewhere, far away, a young woman lay in her bed thinking of her son. And suddenly an overwhelming feeling of love came upon her. And, again, she knew that she had made the right decision when she gave her son up for adoption.



Comments

  1. I love this picture. I have never seen this one. You are amazing.

  2. I love your story. I have a lot of children now, but there were times in our marriage that we were unable to have children and thought about adoption. I have a great appreciation for a birth mom that is willing to give up her baby for a better life for that baby. It is one of the most unselfish acts there is! Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I know that little boy is and will be a part of your memory for the rest of your life.

  3. Oh, Jacki. I am bawling over here. You are such a strong, brave woman. You are an amazing mother. I have so much respect and love for you. I’m lucky to call you my friend. HUGS. I love you!

  4. Anna Maloy says:

    Your story brought tears to my eyes. Hugs to you, Jacki!

  5. Thank you for sharing. It’s a beautiful story! Have you ever thought of looking for him?

    • I actually keep in contact with his parents. I still get letters and pictures. He is happy and healthy and has an AMAZING family. 🙂

      • Jacki, I have cherished this story since you first shared it with me. I held him last night as he came home so tired from playing his heart out in two high school football games. I am 5’4″ and he is 6’3″ and 195 pounds so it is a little challenging but I still find a way. It is still a sweet moment to snuggle with him, comfort him and celebrate his success. He reaches down to my level many times a day to give me a hug and kiss and tell me he loves me. I think of you every time and hope you can feel the Mother Heart we share grow with love. Tim is playing on the Sophmore, JV and Varisty football teams at his high school. He is the Teachers Quorum president in our Ward and is a recent Eagle Scout. He said to me the other day, “Mom I am living the dream I always wanted when I was a teenager”. It made me happy to know that all of the work it takes to support our children does help their dreams come true. I am eternally grateful for the blessing of Tim. I love you!

        • I love you too, Lena! Thank you for all you do and have done. I’m so thankful to know that Tim has such great parents and is doing so amazingly well.

      • that’s great!

  6. Jackie,
    It takes someone really special to tell and do the things you have. Our choices belong to us and that is all. I understand your heartfelt choice though my was different. I understand the hard times and hard choices… it makes us who we are today. And you Jacki are wonderful and brave. Thanks for telling us a part of your life that helps others feel they weren’t alone!!!

  7. So glad you shared your story! It is so empowering!! Thanks soooo much

  8. Alex Prebula says:

    Thanks for sharing your story! I needed a good cry this morning 😉

  9. Marilyn Snow says:

    Thanks for sharing. I have known lots of kids over the years who have been adopted. I really does take a lot of courage and love to give your baby to someone else to raise. It is a great way to make a family. God bless. . .

  10. Rhonda Miller says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes.

  11. It takes an amazingly strong, good mother to place her child for adoption!

  12. You are amazing! Bless you!

  13. Jackie,
    That was such a beautiful story that you wrote, it brought me to tears. I went through a similar experience when I was 16 and became pregnant with a little girl. I chose to give her up for adoption also, and have been able to keep in touch with her parents over the years. She is now 22, and has turned into an amazing young woman. It makes such a difference when you know how they are doing, and that they are with a wonderful family.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  14. Oh, Jacki. I am bawling! How beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing yourself. It is hard to put yourself out there, but I have found it to be so rewarding. Most people just want to support you. Your amazing! Thanks!

  15. Lisa Sudweeks says:

    Thank you so much for sharing! Birth moms are amazing! I don’t know where I’d be without ours. It will always be amazing to me that someone was willing to place such a special part of themself with me so that the hole in my heart could be filled.

  16. Just wanted to let you know you are my hero. Any women who did what you did is very unselfish and deserves to be called a hero. I love you and glad that I am part of your life.

  17. I TOO GAVE UP A LITTLE ONE. ITS A GIFT OF LOVE YOU GIVE TO THAT FAMILY TO RAISE. MINE WAS NOT AN OPEN ADOPTION SO I WILL NEVER KNOW HOW SHE GREW UP. SHE IS NOW 43 AND I DO THINK OF HER EVERY YEAR ON HER BIRTHDAY. I KNOW SHE HAD A BIG SISTER THAT WANTED HER AND A STABLE FAMILY TO NURTURE HER AND IM SURE SHE IS A PERFECT BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

  18. I am the mother of two little sweet children we adopted. I love my birthmoms more than anyone would know and have such a tender spot for all birthmoms, including you Jacki! I would be a shell of a person without my children and it’s only because of my birthmoms that I am who I am.

  19. Teresa Perry says:

    What a beautiful story! Thank you for having the courage to share it. You never know who may have needed to hear/read YOUR story. I greatly admire birthmoms who make such heart-wrenching, selfless decisions. What a blessed boy to have 2 mommy’s that love him so much!

  20. Amanda Summers says:

    I am so proud of you! What a very selfless decision, to give your son the best life he could have.
    You are an amazing woman.
    I am impressed with your character and your writing.
    Thanks for sharing!

  21. Bonnie Rae Jean says:

    Jacki,
    Thank you for sharing. I have always thought you were amazing when we knew each other at Foothill. The more we get to know each other you amaze and inspire my. You have a wonderful family.